Shimmering Thoughts

I've had a good run at this blogging lark, but to be honest, this blog has been stale for a while now. I only ever sit down and write when I want to either a.)whinge about something or b.) write a general update. It can't be fun to read, because it's dull as arse to write!
I'm not sure what caused it, since I used to enjoy writing here, but Shimmering Thoughts has become 'dull and uninteresting' thoughts.

So, i'm going to continue writing, but i'm going to do it elsewhere. I will be starting a new life soon, and moving to the US and getting married should provide a whole host of amusing things to write about.

I'm not going to post the new URL here, but anyone who does still read this inane nonsense, feel free to email me for the new link. ksandersuk@hotmail.com

I was surprised to read an article in the Daily Mail recently that did nothing less than slander my friend NML. It was a pathetic ploy to sell newspapers to women, stating that she set up her blog for 'E-Venge' on an ex boyfriend. It's frustrating to me that the press can seem to get away with just about anything they want to these days. It makes no difference that their article is filled with blatant lies and misrepresentations, they published it anyway and have attempted to tarnish the good name of a lovely person, and a bloody good writer.

If you haven't checked out NML's blog before - read her account of what the Daily Mail have done here. Then if you can, I highly recommend spending some time reading her posts. They never fail to make me laugh.

In the meantime - if you want to read news, and not TRASH, then I would suggest buying a newspaper that is NOT the Daily Mail. Unless they print a retraction, they'll never see a penny of my money ever again. Oh and i'll tell this story to anyone that will listen - just for good measure. They suck!

...My interview date with the London Embassy is May 19th at 9am

I am so excited I can barely sit still!

I have a question.........

How can time move so slow and yet so fast at the same time? I mean I realise that in reality, time is not a variable concept, but it sure does play tricks on the mind.

For example, it doesn't seem like so long ago that I last wrote on my blog, but it's almost two weeks ago......and it feels like years since I was in Florida with T, but it was actually just 6 weeks ago.
I know that time does not have 'a mind of it's own' but isn't it true that the more you yearn for something, the longer that wait for that something seems...and the less you want something that faster it happens.

At the risk of rambling and being very boring i'll give another example:

Why is it that the process of waiting for my visa seems so very long, and yet my dentists appointments seem to speed around far faster than i'd like? The answer is simple - I WANT my visa, but I do NOT want the dentist...

Anyway....enough. I am boring myself. Speaking of time, I barely get time to breathe lately.......

The last couple of weeks have been extremely busy. I had my paperwork from the embassy which has since been completed and returned. I have also had my medical - which involved a trip to London (a place I really do not have a fondness for, but that's another story). All that remains now is for me to have my interview at the Embassy and then (all being well) i'll be given my visa and told to 'Have a nice life'.

I'm not anticipating any problems at this stage, I think most problems have already been resolved. Although I wish I could leave tomorrow, I know that even if I were given my visa tomorrow I could not leave until the end of July whcih sucks because I really miss T and although we talk regularly, there's no substitute for actual physical contact (and no I am not being rude). Financially it doesn't make sense for me to leave the UK until I have made certain that all loose ends here have been tied up and I don't leave any mess behind me......

It gives me time to make sure that I spend enough time with my friends and family before I go too.

I guess I had better gt some more work done now I cannot believe how busy I am at the moment........maybe i'll try and write some more at the weekend, if i'm not working!!

.......I have managed to complete all my weekly challenges so far. I have told my work colleagues that unless I mention the visa process that I would really rather they not ask me questions about it. I told them that whilst I understood their curiosity, and appreciated their encouragement, talking about it continually, especially when I am trying to work, was getting me stressed out. Luckily they understood and have assured me they will do their best to leave the subject alone for a while. I, in turn have assured them that as and when there are any updates, I will let them know, along with everyone else.
It may sound as though I am being harsh, but in reality, the process of applying for a fiancé visa is time consuming and stressful. Then there are the practicalities of packing up all aspects of your life in order to facilitate the move. If the majority of my non working hours are consumed with trying to arrange all of this, then isn’t it fair to expect some time where I can allow my brain to focus on something else?

........I have managed to focus on my diet this week too, I have been exceptionally strict and I show no sign of cheating. I am determined that I will lose this last 40 pounds if it kills me! Ok, maybe not if it kills me, but I am determined…..I have even gone so far as to make sure I cook myself dinner in an evening. I’m not someone who enjoys cooking. In fact I find it boring and messy, but I do like to eat and since prepacked diet food tastes lousy, I find cooking to be the only other option. It’s not that I can’t cook either. I can cook rather well when I put my mind to it; I just rarely make the effort.

.........I have managed to get rather a lot of work done during the daytime too. That’s not to say I haven’t found time to send a few personal emails, and of course to forward a multitude of ridiculous jokes, because of course I have. However, I seem to have achieved enough during my ten hour working days, that I can justify my working existence. I’m also putting in extra hours in the evening doing research for the business my uncle and I are setting up in the US. It’s tiring, but it will all be worth it in the end.

.........I managed to drag myself to the dentist this afternoon too, for the first of my nine fillings. I’m such a pathetic cry baby! I hate the dentist so much and I was shaking when I walked in. Even my evil witch of a dentist could see how terrified I was and seemed to take it a little easier on me. I have three more appointments to go until all dental work is completed. Oh and last week I went and had two of my vaccinations that I need before I go for my immigration medical, and tonight I am going for a third. Seems like everyone wants to stick needles in me lately….but I’d sooner have 100 injections that ONE filling!



I’m giving myself a night off tonight and I’m going to the cinema with my friend B. She and I are going to watch ‘Never Back Down’. I fancied a night out and frankly a chick flick would be the last thing I needed.
My next challenge will be to avoid all sweets and candies when I get there…….

It's been an odd weekend. I haven't slept well at all, and now that it's Monday morning I feel like I could sleep for a year. Typical really. The problem is I am stressed out right now, and despite people (including my doctor) telling me to calm down and relax, I just don't seem able to. My blood pressure is high at the moment which means I have a constant headache, and I just have an uneasy sensation in the pit of my stomach that wont go away.

I am sure it's just the fact that I have so much to deal with right now, but I get so angry with myself for not being able to compartmentalise. I mean why can't I go to work and think about nothing but work while i'm there?
Why do I go to work and spend the day trying not to think about the paperwork that still needs to be done, the stuff from my apartment that still needs to be sold, how i'm going to get my boss to pay me the commission i'm owed after I leave, what date am I going to leave, whether I should try and take a trip back to the US to spend some time with T before it all goes through, how to reassure my mom that i'll never be more than a phonecall away when he gets upset about 'losing me', how to make sure that I have enough money when I arrive in the US so that I don't put any financial strain on T, how hot will it be when I get there, how can I make sure that we adapt easily to living together after both being independant for so long, how will I find short term work until a long term project i'm working on comes to fruition, will I make new friends easily, how will I make sure I get good homes for my two cats, how do I stop people from constantly going on and on and on about this visa process.........
You see, there's a lot of stuff going on in my head right now, and what I would like to do is switch it all off. Unfortunately I don't have that kind of mechanism in my brain. I cannot just zone out and avoid thinking about things. I've always been the same. Yesterday I tried having a few drinks in an attempt to 'numb' my brain, but even that didn't work. I didn't get drunk, I didn't get numb, and frankly it just made my headache worse!

It's silly really because a large part of me knows that worrying wont solve anything. These things will all take care of themselves - some with a little help from me, others just because it's natural progression. Getting myself wound into a tizzy only makes matters worse because I then start projecting my fears onto others, and (I am told) fear breeds fear. It's unfair of me to put my stress onto others, and I really have to try and stop it.

So, I think i'm going to have to 'eat this elephant one bite at a time'. There's only so much I can physically do about all or any of these things. Todays challenge is that i'm not going to send any personal emails (except forwards of course) until after lunch time. I am also going to tell anyone who asks me 'have you got your visa yet?' or a variation of that question, that when I get said visa, I will let everyone know, but for the moment, since i'm still here, they should assume I haven't. I know people ask because they are interested, but it makes in difficult to switch off from all the stuff that needs to get done when people insist on wanting to know all the details and intricacies of the process. So, I will endeavour to be polite, but essentially tell people to back off and butt out. Harsh perhaps, but like I said, i'll be polite and hopefully retain a little sanity.

Tomorrows challenge will be to sort through the things I have put aside to sell on eBay and actually get them listed for sale. This in no mean feat as I am incredibly lazy when it comes to ebay, it bores me!

Wednesday I have to visit the dentist for a couple of fillings - the first of NINE that I have to get done (I avoided the dentist 5 years and this is my punishment). I think the fact that I am terrified of dentists makes this enough of a challenge all by itself!

Thursday. Hmmm, I think i'll sit down with all my finances, and amend the spreadsheet I keep for a budget. This should allow me to see how and where my money is going over the next couple of months, and then at least i'll have some projections to work with.

That's as far as i'm going to plan. When it gets to Friday - my plan can be to plan the next few days. With some luck, careful planning should take some of my stress away. With the reduction in stress, maybe I can lower my blood pressure, stop having anxiety attacks, and quit driving T around the twist with my neuroses.

I can hope, right?

A friend sent me the link to this video, and yes I know it's Smallville - but I love the song.